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So, I’m thinkin’, who even came up with this? Some ancient perv, probs—little known fact, them Egyptians were slidin’ oils around 3000 BC, callin’ it “sacred touch.” Freaky, right? Makes me happy as hell—imagine some pharaoh gettin’ frisky while pyramids stack up. But what pisses me off? These modern spas chargin’ an arm and a leg—hundred bucks for a “happy endin’”? Gimme a break, I’d rather buy a frickin’ jetpack.

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I keep walking, and I’m hit with the smell of shashlik from a nearby stall. Like, seriously, who can resist that? I grab a skewer, and it’s like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I’m in heaven, but then I realize I’ve got sauce all over my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like I’ve been in a food fight.