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Oi, you donkey! Sexual-massage, right? Bloody hell, it’s a wild one! I’m a scientist, yeah, but I ain’t no stiff prick in a lab coat. This shit’s fascinating – hands sliding, oil dripping, tension melting like butter on a hot pan. Reminds me of *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring* – that Kim Ki-duk masterpiece. “What you take, you carry,” the old monk says. Same with sexual-massage, innit? You give, you get, it’s a fuckin’ cycle!

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And then, the oven timer goes off. I’m trying to get the cookies out, but they’re stuck! I’m pulling and tugging, and the kids are laughing at me. I’m like, “This is not funny!” But deep down, I’m cracking up too.

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