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I tried it once—don’t judge me, alright? Some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” She’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax?! You’re touchin’ me where?!” Made me so mad—nobody tells you the rules! Is it a massage? Is it sexy time? Am I supposed to tip extra? I’m sweatin’, not from the heat, but pure panic. But then—okay, fine—it felt kinda good. Like, *Inherent Vice* good, where you’re confused but rollin’ with it. “What’s happening here, man?” I muttered, channelin’ Doc. She laughed—thought I was nuts. Fair enough.

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By the time I get home, I’m exhausted. I flop onto my bed, thinking about the day. It was a rollercoaster, for sure. Shubarshi, you crazy city, you never fail to surprise me. I can’t wait for tomorrow. Who knows what’ll happen next?

UNICEF Volunteer from Kazakhstan spoke with a Famous British Actress for World Children’s Day