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What gets me happy tho? When it works! Rare as a unicorn’s fart, but once I met this bird—fit, funny, shagged like a champ. Thought, “I’ve got no wish to die!”—straight outta the movie, pure joy! But then—surprise!—she ghosted me. Typical. Sex-dating’s a rollercoaster, up, down, pukin’ in the bushes.

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So, I’m walkin’ along the riverbank, and I see this group of kids playin’ soccer. They’re kickin’ the ball around, havin’ a blast. I’m feelin’ all nostalgic, ya know? So, I join in. Big mistake! I kick the ball, and it goes straight into the bushes. I’m like, “Great, now I’m the old dude who lost the ball.” The kids are laughin’ at me, and I’m just standin’ there, red-faced.

No. 3 UConn Opens Regular Season Wednesday vs. SHU