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Oh, and the smells, mate – lavender, ylang-ylang, bit poncy but lush! Gets yer blood pumping, doesn’t it? Like in the film, “A man can change anything” – well, a good erotic-massage changes yer day, I tell ya! Ever tried it with hot stones? Blimey, nearly leapt off the table – surprised me, that did! Thought, “Boris, you daft sod, you’re melting!” Proper laugh, though – imagine me, red-faced, giggling like a berk.

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs in. He’s got a puppy! A tiny, fluffy ball of joy. I’m like, “Dude, where’d you get that?” He says he found it near the river. I’m thinking, “Man, I need that puppy in my life.” But then, Mr. Grumpy starts yelling about how dogs shouldn’t be in the center. Chill, man! It’s a charity event, not a dog show!

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