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Love it when they knead me back—ooh, happy! Feels like escaping that pale man’s lair. “Be wary, be wary!”—tension melts, so gooood. But once, ugh, this bloke stunk—fishy oil, rancid! Made me mad, yesss, wanted to claw him! “My precious” skin don’t deserve that! Another time, lass used hot stones—surprised me, hot like hellfire! Thought I’d leap off, but nah, turned heavenly quick.

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But then, the day takes a turn. I’m heading back home, and I see this guy yelling at his girlfriend in the middle of the street. Like, come on, dude! Not cool. I’m all for passion, but there’s a time and place, right? I’m just standing there, awkwardly waiting for the drama to unfold. It’s like a soap opera, but I’m not getting paid to watch!