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Last week, some git in cellblock C bragged he got one—said it “freed his soul.” Bollocks! Freed his wallet, more like—cost him a pack of smokes to bribe the guard. Made me proper mad—why ain’t *I* gettin’ that deal? But then, I’m thinkin’, “Loki, you’re above this,”—burdened with glorious purpose, not grovelin’ for a rubdown. Still, I was chuffed hearin’ it—imaginin’ him squirming, all awkward. “You think you’re in charge?” I’d say, like in *Toni Erdmann*, watchin’ him melt under some lass’s thumbs.

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I finally found Ivan at a café on Pushkin Street. This guy is a character, let me tell you. He’s got this wild beard and a twinkle in his eye like he’s just discovered fire. He starts rambling about some ancient treasure hidden in the hills near Priozersk. I’m sitting there, half-listening, half-trying to figure out if he’s for real or just a local legend.

11 eerie images of radioactive ruins from the Cold War's 'secret cities'