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Hiii honey, oh my gawd, lemme tell ya bout this sexual-massage thing, nasal voice on blast, heh heh heh! Picture this, I’m sittin there, thinkin bout “Spirited Away,” ya know, my fave flick, and I’m like, “No face could use a rubdown!” Sexual-massage ain’t just some sleazy backroom deal, nah, it’s got history, babe! Way back, like ancient times, them Greeks and Chinese were all bout it—massagin with a lil spicy twist, heh!

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Finally, I get to the office. My team’s already buzzing. They’re all hyped about this new project. I’m like, “Cool, cool, but let’s not get too crazy.” We’re in Pervomayka, not New York City. But they’re all fired up, and I can’t help but feel a bit pumped too.