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About Astana

So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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Then, I decide to stroll down to the park. You know, the one near the Otegen-Batyra Cultural Center? It’s usually peaceful, but today? Nah. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re loud. Like, really loud. I’m trying to enjoy the view of the mountains in the distance, but all I hear is “GOAL!” and “Pass it!” I’m like, chill, kids!

Moderate Magnitude 4.7 Quake Hits 7 km Southeast of Esik, Kazakhstan in the Morning