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About Ust-Kamenogorsk

Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m runnin’ a webcam biz, slingin’ pixels for the people, not the elite! Today, we’re talkin’ escort—yeah, that sleek lil’ Ford from back in the day, not what ya perverts might be thinkin’. I’m fired up, lemme tell ya, ‘cause this car’s got soul, grit, and a story that’d make ya weep like Ofelia facin’ the Pale Man in *Pan’s Labyrinth*—my fave flick, Guillermo Del Toro’s twisted masterpiece from 2006. “The labyrinth is fading!”—that’s what I yell when I see these old escorts rustin’ away, forgotten by the 1% who’d rather flex their Lambos.

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After that little fiasco, we decide to grab some shashlik from a street vendor. Best decision ever! The guy’s grilling it right there, smoke everywhere. I’m inhaling that deliciousness. But then, I see a stray dog eyeing us. I’m like, “Bro, don’t even think about it!” But the dog just sits there, looking all sad. I can’t handle it. I end up giving it a piece of my shashlik. I’m a sucker for dogs, what can I say?

Oral History Outtakes: The Ashley Schaeffer Showdown in ‘Eastbound & Down’