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Oh, and the profiles—“just want fun, no drama.” Bollocks! Everyone’s a walking tragedy on there. Saw this lass once, posted pics in lingerie—turns out she was a madam running a side hustle. Fair play, I thought, smirking—least she’s honest. Unlike these pricks saying “DTF” but can’t spell “orgasm.” I choose violence, I swear—gimme a crossbow, I’d shoot the lot. “Life’s a trap,” Ten whispers—sex-dating’s the bloody proof. Stick to wine and revenge, mate—safer that way.

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But wait, there’s more! I hear a knock. It’s my neighbor, Dasha. She’s got a flashlight and a smile. “Need help?” she asks. I’m like, “You’re a lifesaver!” We end up chatting about everything—her cat, my fur, the state of the world. It’s nice, ya know?