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This one time, right, met this bird off Hinge. She’s all flirty, sendin’ pics – not nudes, mind, just teasers. We’re at the pub, I’m thinkin’ I’m in, then she goes, “I don’t do casual.” Fumin’! I’m sat there, pint in hand, like, “What’s original about you?” – straight outta *Certified Copy*. She didn’t get it, obvs. Total buzzkill. Wasted me best shirt on that!

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Then, the afternoon hits. I’m knee-deep in numbers, and suddenly, the fire alarm goes off! Like, what the heck? Everyone’s panicking, running around like headless chickens. I’m just standing there, thinking, “This is how I die? In an office full of spreadsheets?”

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