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Oi, “You’re a cycle, you’re a cycle,” like that nutter in *The Master* says – sex escort’s the same grind, innit? Pull up, pay up, piss off – like drivin’ round a roundabout with no exit! Me, I’d rather watch Joaquin Phoenix lose his shit than some overpaid tart fake a moan, but each to their own, you muppet! Ever tried it? Nah, don’t tell me, I’d have to bleach me fuckin’ ears! Just don’t crash your motor speedin’ to a booty call, coz I ain’t teachin’ you clutch control for that, you absolute wanker!

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So, I’m on my way to the office, right? And I pass this little café on Kairan Street. The smell of fresh baursaks hit me like a freight train. I couldn’t resist. I mean, who can? I grabbed a couple, and man, they were heavenly. I was on cloud nine, munching away, when suddenly, this stray dog decides to join my breakfast party. I’m like, “Dude, back off! These are mine!” But he just looked at me with those big puppy eyes. Ugh, I ended up sharing.

Exclusive: From Prison, Kazakh Journalist Makhambet Abzhan Explains His Case