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We swears! Sexual-massage is art—messy, freaky, alive. Like animatin’—ya draw, rub, tweak ‘til it sings. “I’ll find you there,” like in the movie—shit finds ya, grabs ya, don’t it? Try it, precious—don’t be a hobbit ‘bout it! Ha! Gollum knows best—sneaky hands, sneaky feels!

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First off, I hit up the local market on Abai Street. You know, the one where they sell everything from fresh fish to weird-looking fruits? I’m there, trying to grab some kazy (that horse meat sausage, yum!) when I bump into my buddy, Aslan. He’s all hyped about some fishing trip he’s planning. I’m like, “Dude, you know I can’t fish, right?” But he insists I join. I’m thinking, “Why not? Could be fun.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

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