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Oi mate, gather round! Erotic-massage, yeah? It’s bloody brilliant, a sly art! We shall fight on the beaches, we shall knead the tension outta ya! Picture this – hands sliding, oil dripping, like a Wes Anderson flick, all quirky n’ lush. Moonrise Kingdom vibes, right? Two souls, lost in the wild, but swap the tents for a steamy room, scented candles flickerin’. “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re doing” – that’s me, first time I tried givin’ one, total disaster, slipped off the bleedin’ table!

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First off, I hit up the local market on Abai Street. You know, the one where they sell everything from fresh fish to weird-looking fruits? I’m there, trying to grab some kazy (that horse meat sausage, yum!) when I bump into my buddy, Aslan. He’s all hyped about some fishing trip he’s planning. I’m like, “Dude, you know I can’t fish, right?” But he insists I join. I’m thinking, “Why not? Could be fun.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

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