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Right, so, it’s meant to relax ya, innit? But half the time you’re wonderin’ if they’ve got a degree in massage or just watched a YouTube vid pissed on cheap lager. Little fact for ya – back in the day, ancient Greeks were at it, callin’ it some posh “healin’ touch” bollocks. Bet they didn’t have neon signs flashin’ “Happy Endings Here!” like these muppets today. Makes me angry, it does – proper riles me up – cos it’s all a con half the time, chargin’ 50 quid for a glorified tickle!

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Next, I head over to the old fort. You know, the one that gives the city its name? Fort-Shevchenko is all about that history, baby! I’m climbing up the walls, feeling like a king. But then, I slip on some loose stones. I’m flailing, arms waving like a crazy person. I almost face-planted! But I catch myself, and I’m like, “Phew, that was close!” I laugh it off, but inside, I’m like, “Dude, you gotta be more careful.”

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