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I tried it once—don’t judge me, I was drunk. Lady had hands like a lumberjack, smelled like patchouli and regret. Kept whisperin’ “release your tension.” Tension? Lady, you’re the tension! Knuckles diggin’ into my spine like she’s plowin’ a field. Made me madder than a badger in a trap. But—fine—I’ll admit, my shoulder stopped achin’ for a day. One day! Then it was back to creakin’ like an old barn door. Waste of time, if ya ask me.

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After that, I decided to check out the Ekibastuz Central Park. It’s not huge, but it’s got this nice little lake. I sat on a bench, just chillin’. Then I saw this kid feeding ducks. Super cute, right? But then, the kid’s mom starts yelling at him. “Don’t feed them bread! It’s bad for them!” I’m thinking, “Lady, chill! It’s just bread!” But hey, I get it. Gotta protect the ducks, right?

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