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Me, I’d be rubbish at giving one. Hands like a bricklayer’s, I’d probly chafe someone’s bits off! Got me mate Dave once, right, he swears this lass in Bangkok did it with hot stones. HOT STONES! On his todger! I’m like, “You mad bastard, that’s a barbecue, not a massage!” Nearly pissed meself laughing. But fair play, he said it was bliss—steamy, sensual, the lot. Made me jealous, didn’t it? Bastard.

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While I’m workin’ on those scissors, I hear this commotion outside. I peek out, and there’s a parade or somethin’ goin’ down on Kairbekov. People are dancin’, music’s blastin’, and I’m just standin’ there, knife in hand, like a deer in headlights. I mean, who doesn’t love a good parade? But I’m also like, “Dude, I got work to do!”

MEETING OF THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF KAZAKHSTAN WITH THE CITIZENS OF ALMATY REGION