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What pisses me off? Them twits actin’ all holy ‘bout it. “Oh, it’s indecent!” Shut yer gob, it’s just flesh and oil. Surprised me how them soft touches hit harder than a sword swing. Favorite bit? When they crack me spine—pop pop pop—like breakin’ necks, but sexy. Exaggeratin’? Maybe. But I’d burn cities for that neck rub again. “Amélie” ends all sweet, helpin’ folks—me, I’d demand massages instead. “You will do zis for me,” I’d say, smirkin’ like a queen. So yeah, erotic-massage—filthy, glorious, confusin’. Try it, or don’t. I don’t care. But I might.

What is erotic massage?

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First off, I hit the road on Abay Street. Traffic was a nightmare! Like, come on, people! It’s not a parking lot! I was stuck behind this old Lada that was probably older than my grandma. I mean, how does it even run? I was ready to lose it.

Public Services awards 2011: judge Lord Richard Best