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So, check it—little known fact: ancient Greeks did this crap! Yeah, called it “tantric touch” or somethin’, gettin’ all freaky with oils. Not just for pervs neither—s’posed to “heal yer soul.” Pfft, soul my ass, I’d be droolin’! D’oh! Imagine me, sprawled out, some hotshot masseuse whisperin’, “Relax, Homer,” and I’m all, “Donuts… no, wait—focus!” Hilarious, right? But real talk—it’s pricey, man! Fifty bucks for thirty minutes? Made me mad as hell—gimme a beer instead!

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First off, I’m on my way to work, cruisin’ down Abay Street. You know, the one with all the little shops? I stop by that bakery—oh man, their pirozhki are to die for! Grabbed a couple for breakfast. But then, bam! A stray dog runs outta nowhere and nearly trips me. I’m like, “Dude, chill!” But hey, it’s Balqash, right? Stray dogs are basically the city mascots.

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