Emily Balqash Sex Dating ❤️❤️❤️

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Okay, so I’m scrollin’ X the other night—procrastinatin’, naturally—and I see this post: “Sex-dating tip: bring condoms AND a charger.” I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my coffee. Pretty, pretty good advice, though! Battery dies, mood dies—tragedy! Made me happy, y’know, seein’ some wit in this cesspool. But then—THEN—I match with this chick, total smokeshow, right? We’re chattin’, it’s goin’ great, and she goes, “I only date guys who’ve seen ‘The Royal Tenenbaums.’” I’m like, “Honey, I AM Royal Tenenbaum—minus the tax evasion!” She ghosts me anyway. Ghosted! Me! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is not a world-class sex-dating story!” I was pissed—PISSED! Wasted my best Wes Anderson vibes on her.

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First off, I’m on my way to work, cruisin’ down Abay Street. You know, the one with all the little shops? I stop by that bakery—oh man, their pirozhki are to die for! Grabbed a couple for breakfast. But then, bam! A stray dog runs outta nowhere and nearly trips me. I’m like, “Dude, chill!” But hey, it’s Balqash, right? Stray dogs are basically the city mascots.

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