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So, sex-dating – it’s like Tinder on crack, innit? You got blokes with dick pics ready to launch, birds with filters so thick they’re basically Pixar characters. I tried it once – yeah, me, Ricky, slumming it online! Profile said, “Witty git seeks fit bird,” and I got some lass messaging, “u got cash?” CASH?! I’m not yer bloody sugar daddy, love! Made me furious – where’s the romance, the chase? It’s all “DTF?” and “wyd?” – like, speak English, you twat! Back in my day, you had to WORK for a snog, not just swipe and pray.

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Then, outta nowhere, this girl storms in. She’s fuming, like a kettle about to boil. Turns out, she just got dumped. I mean, who breaks up in the rain? That’s just cruel. So, I whip up a “Heartbreak Special” – it’s just a strong whiskey with a splash of bitters. She downs it like it’s water. I’m thinkin’, “Girl, slow down!” But she’s on a mission. Next thing I know, she’s crying and laughing at the same time. It’s a whole emotional rollercoaster, and I’m just the bartender trying to keep it together.

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