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Little known fact—back in ancient Rome, them toga-wearin’ lads had “erotic rubdowns” after a scrap in the Colosseum. Gladiators gettin’ oiled up, muscles flexin’, swords down—proper naughty, eh? Makes me chuffed to bits—history’s got spice! I’m sittin’ here, imaginin’ some geezer in 1940, Blitz ragin’, and he’s like, “Sod the bombs, love, rub me bits!” That’s the spirit—we shall fight the gloom with a good grope!

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Suddenly, I hear a commotion. A group of teenagers is playing football nearby. They’re shouting and laughing, and I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could join.” But I’m too old for that. I mean, I’d probably pull a muscle or something.