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So, sex-dating – it’s quick, dirty, no faff. You’re chattin’ some bird, she’s like, “Wanna bang?” No dinner, no “Oh, you’re so deep” crap. Straight to the shaggin’, like animals – brilliant! Made me happy first time, proper buzzin’. But then, fuck me, the clowns show up. Bloke says he’s 6’2”, rolls up 5’4” – what’s this, a hobbit audition? Idiot sandwich! I’m ragin’, spittin’ feathers over here.

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The event kicks off, and it’s a blast. Music, dancing, people laughing. I’m vibing, but then I see this guy trying to sneak in without a ticket. I’m like, “Not on my watch!” So, I confront him, and he’s all like, “C’mon, man, it’s just a party!” I’m like, “Yeah, but I’m not the bouncer!” But I can’t let it slide. So, I call security, and they drag him out. I feel kinda bad, but rules are rules, ya know?

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