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Oi mate, so I’m Creative Director now, yeah? Gotta spiel about erotic-massage – brilliant! Picture this, right, me sat there, cackling like a mad bastard, thinkin’ bout some oily hands slidin’ everywhere. Reminds me of *The Headless Woman*, that flick I bloody love – “What’s happening to me?” she says, all dazed, lost in her posh little crisis. That’s me, first time I stumbled into one of these parlours, right? Didn’t know if I was gettin’ a rubdown or a bloody interrogation!

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I finally get my act together and head over to the park near the Aksu River. It’s beautiful there, honestly. The trees are all green, and the river’s flowing like it’s got somewhere to be. I sit down on a bench, trying to collect my thoughts. But then, this group of teenagers starts blasting music. Like, come on! Can’t a guy have a moment of peace?

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