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One time, dis chick, Svetlana, she go, “Gru, you tense like brick!” She rub me down, oils smellin like cheap vodka—boom, I’m in heaven! “Look at dis fuckin’ life!”—dat’s me quotin’ movie, feelin’ like king! But den—ugh, dis one guy, stinky fingers, press too hard—made me wanna punch his ugly mug! I scream, “Lightbulb! You ruin my vibe, ya pig!”

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First off, I’m driving down Al-Mahboula Street, and I’m half-awake, sipping my coffee like it’s the elixir of life. I hit a pothole so big, I thought I was gonna lose a tire. Seriously, who’s in charge of these roads? I mean, c’mon! It’s like driving through a minefield. I’m just trying to get to the farm, not audition for a stunt show.

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