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Me, I’m upfront— “Cap’n Jack, seeker o’ rum and rump!”—and once, this lass messages, “You talk like a drunk sailor!” I says, “Aye, but I’m charmin’, ain’t I?” We met, and she’s all fire, like Lt. Aldo Raine slicin’ Nazis— “I’m gonna give you somethin’ you can’t take off!” she purrs. Hotter’n a cannon blast, that one! Made me grin wider’n the horizon.

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Then, just when I think it can’t get crazier, a guy in the back starts waving his arms like he’s trying to take off. Turns out, he’s just trying to get my attention. “I’ll pay double!” he shouts. I’m like, “Dude, chill! We’re not at a football game!” But hey, I’m not one to turn down a good offer.