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I tried it once—don’t tell Jill! Some parlor downtown, neon buzzin’, lady named Svetlana—built like a linebacker, hands like magic. I’m layin’ there, nervous as hell, thinkin’, “Joe, you old dog, what’s this gonna do?” Then—bam!—she’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m floatin’. Happiest I been since Obama hugged me in ’16. But, folks, here’s the kicker: cost me 80 bucks! Eighty! I was steamed—thought I’d get a deal, y’know, senior discount or somethin’. Nope. “Pay up, dedushka,” she says—Russian for gramps. Total rip-off, but damn, I’d do it again.

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Then, I spot this guy pacing around. He’s got that frantic look, you know? Turns out, he’s the owner. I approach him, and he’s all, “I don’t know what happened! I just left for a bit!” Yeah, right. I mean, who leaves their warehouse unattended? I’m not buying it. My gut’s telling me there’s more to this story.