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But then, happy part! I find nice lady, she like my mustache, say “Very nice!” We chat, we laugh, she send pic—oh boy, I blush like virgin on wedding night! Little fact for you: in Kazakhstan, old time, men pay goat for date, now it just $9.99 app fee—progress, yes? But sex-dating tricky, you gotta be fast, like catch chicken, or they swipe left, gone forever!

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Then, the highlight of my day. This couple gets in, all lovey-dovey. They’re whispering sweet nothings, and I’m just there, like a third wheel. They’re headed to the rooftop garden. I’m thinkin’, “Man, I wish I had that kinda romance.” But then, they start arguing! Like, what? One minute they’re all smiles, next minute, it’s World War III. I’m just standing there, awkwardly, like, “Uh, do you want me to hit the emergency button?”

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