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Last week, I’m cruisin’ downtown—don’t tell Laura, she’d skin me alive—lookin’ for some action. Saw this gal, legs longer’n a Texas highway, and I’m thinkin’, “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way!”—like I got her address locked in my brain! I ain’t no genius, but I know a deal when I see one. She’s wavin’, I’m sweatin’—hotter’n a billy goat in a pepper patch! Paid her fifty bucks—prob’ly too much, but I’m a sucker for a smile. “Righteous bucks,” she says, and I’m happy as a pig in mud.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. Like, monsoon-level rain. I’m stuck there, drenched, and I can’t even finish my food. I’m just standin’ there, lookin’ like a soggy noodle. But then, I see this little kid jumpin’ in puddles, laughin’ his head off. And I’m like, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.”

Monk burns himself to death