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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a barista? Nah, I’m Gollum, sneaky-like, slingin’ coffee, watchin’ folk. Findin’ a prostitute, eh? We hates it! Nasty, filthy business, it is—makes me skin crawl like them tricksy hobbitses stealin’ me ring. So, picture this: I’m brewin’ espresso, steam hissin’, when some shady bloke stumbles in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me, “Where’s the ladies at?” I’m like, “We serves lattes, not lassies, ya twit!” He don’t get it—dumb as a sack o’ rocks.

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Around noon, the rush hits. People are lined up outside on the sidewalk of Jangsu Street. I’m slinging pastries like a pro. Croissants, baguettes, you name it. But then, this lady walks in. She’s all like, “I want gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, taste-free.” I’m just standing there, blinking. Like, lady, what do you want me to do? Bake air?

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