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Me, I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ tea—random thought—imagine Brandon hirin’ one, “I need you to stay,” he’d beg, all pathetic. Escorts prolly hear that shit daily. Makes me laugh, picturin’ ‘em rollin’ eyes, “Mate, it’s extra for cuddles.” Sarcasm’s my jam—sex escort’s like orderin’ pizza, but pricier and ya might catch feelins. Dr. Evil voice, pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars,”—that’s what I’d charge to deal with clingy bastards.

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady in the back starts yelling, “That’s my grandma’s vase!” I was like, “What?!” Turns out, it was a family heirloom. The whole room went silent. I was sweating bullets. I had to think fast. I said, “Okay, how about we settle this over some bibimbap?”

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