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So, this one time, I’m thinkin’—erotic-massage, animated? Hands moving, slow frames, sexy as hell. Exaggerate the oil, shiny, over-the-top, boom! Scarlett Johansson’s voice in my head, “You’re not hopeless.” Ha, sarcastic me—hopeless? I’d kill at this. Knots in back, gone, poof, magic fingers. Surprised me once—therapist hummed, creepy but hot.

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Then, I hit up the market on Marktstraße. Man, the smells! Fresh bread, spices, and that weird fish stall that always makes me gag. I’m tryin’ to grab some veggies for dinner when I bump into old Mrs. Müller. She’s like, “You still herdin’ those sheep?” I’m like, “Yeah, Mrs. M, still doin’ my thing.” She goes on about how her cat, Whiskers, caught a mouse. I’m thinkin’, “Lady, I’m tryin’ to buy carrots, not hear about your cat’s hunting skills.”

How Rich Eisen went from chasing cop cars to building his own Emmy-nominated sports broadcasting empire