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Oh, honey, lemme tell ya—breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President”—findin a prostitute ain’t no picnic! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout my fave flick, *Inside Out*, ya know, Pete Docter’s gem from 2015, and it’s like—emotions runnin wild! Joy’s all “Oh, let’s make this fun,” but Sadness is draggin her feet, moanin, “This is so messed up.” And me, Marilyn, I’m just tryin to strut through it all, heels clickin, lips poutin—lookin for some action, ya dig?

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call. It’s the guards. “Warden! We got a situation!” My heart drops. I’m thinkin’ it’s a riot or somethin’. I rush over to the yard, and what do I find? A bunch of inmates playin’ soccer! Like, seriously? They’re kickin’ a ball around like it’s a picnic. I’m standin’ there, tryin’ to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “What the heck is goin’ on?”

Boy, 2, dies after being left in car for 9 hours while his gran worked