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But lemme tell ya, I’d be crap at it—too paranoid, jumpin’ at shadows. “Is that a cop?” I’d hiss, like Doc dodgin’ Bigfoot Bjornsen. Once heard a story—dude in Vegas got a hooker, turns out she’s his cousin! Swear on the Precious, nearly died laughin’. Imagine the awkward, “Jesus Christ, it’s Jason!” moment—pure gold. Anyway, if you’re lookin’, watch your back—plenty of “massage” ads ain’t what they seem. We swears! Stay sharp, or you’re screwed—and not the fun way. Gollum!

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Finally, I get in, and guess what? The lady at the counter is super nice. Like, way too nice. She’s all smiles, and I’m just trying to get my stuff done. I mean, I appreciate the kindness, but I’m not here for a therapy session!

Month-old lion quadruplets shown at Japan's Fuji Safari Park ahead of holiday rush