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Now, listen, I ain’t judgin’—okay, maybe a lil’—but sex-dating’s wild, y’all! You got apps promisin’ love, but it’s just booty calls dressed up fancy. I was talkin’ to my girl Shonda, and she said she matched with this fool who sent her a eggplant emoji five minutes in—FIVE MINUTES! I bout fell out my chair laughin’, mad as hell too, ‘cause where’s the respect? Ain’t nobody got time for that! Made me wanna holler, “You got one passion, boy, and it ain’t conversation!”

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But then, I see this shirt that says “Onoda Rocks” with a giant rock on it. I mean, come on! I can’t wear that. I’m not a walking pun! I tell her, “No offense, but I’m not wearing a rock.” She laughs, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe I’ll just stick to the mochi.”

Hiroo Onoda, Japan's last WWII soldier to surrender, dies