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I tried it once, ok? Got on Tinder, lyin’ about my height—six foot, bitches!—and this girl’s like, “let’s meet.” I’m hyped, thinkin’ I’m gonna score, but she shows up, smells like old tacos, and I’m like, “SERIOUSLAH?!” Made me so mad I wanted to scream, “Respect my authoritah!” right in her face. Didn’t even bang her—total letdown. But here’s a fun fact, right? Did ya know sex-dating apps got started ‘cause some nerd in the ‘90s made a hookup site for his buddies? True story! Now it’s all “DTF” this, “NSA” that—alphabet soup of horniness!

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So, I hit the streets, right? First stop, the famous Hachiman-bori canal. It’s like, super picturesque, with those cute little boats and all. I’m takin’ pics like a tourist, but then I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right? Almost dropped my phone in the water. That would’ve been a disaster.

Man incarcerated for murder accused in separate Lake Biwa corpse dismemberment case