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About Kobe

Once, I heard this story—some chick in Vegas got paid in casino chips! True story, swear on my Duff! She’s all, “Cash me out, baby!”—hilarious, right? I’m laughin’, but then—D’oh!—I’m sad again, ‘cause it’s messy, ya know? These gals got lives, and here I am, a doofus, oglin’ ‘em. “Blessed are the forgetful,” I mutter, wishin’ I could zap this night outta my skull like Joel and Clem. Maybe I’ll stick to donuts—safer, cheaper, and Marge won’t kill me! D’oh!

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Finally, I get my moment. I stand up, take a deep breath, and start my Mourner speech. It’s emotional, man. I’m pouring my heart out, and people are actually listening. I can see some tears, and it feels good. Like, I’m making a difference, you know?

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