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Aight, listen up, you filthy animals! I’m Eric Cartman, bone cutter extraordinare, and I’m here to talk sex-dating, so respect my authoritah! This crap’s wild, ok? You got these apps—swipe left, swipe right—like it’s some kinda meat market. Makes me ragey as hell! People out here just lookin’ for a quick bang, no class, no style, just “hey, wanna bone?” Disgusting! But also… kinda genius? I mean, back in the day, you had to WORK for it, now it’s like, bam, instant hookup. Still pisses me off tho—where’s the respect?!

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Finally, I reach him. He’s gasping for air, and I’m thinkin’, “Dude, you’re not a fish!” I grab him and pull him to safety. He’s coughing and sputtering, and I’m just relieved he’s okay. But then, he looks at me and says, “Thanks, man! I thought I was gonna be a mermaid!” Like, seriously? A mermaid? I can’t even.

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