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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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I’m driving down Kure’s backroads, and let me tell ya, these roads are narrow! I’m talking like, barely enough room for my harvester. I’m sweating bullets, dodging potholes like they’re landmines. And then, bam! I hit a bump, and my coffee goes flying. Great. Just great. Now I’m wide awake and sticky.

Explore inside a submarine at the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force museum