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So, check this—sexual-massage ain’t just hands on skin. It’s got history, man! Back in ancient China, they called it “sensual touch therapy.” Supposed to balance your chi or whatever. Little known fact: emperors got it to “enhance vitality”—wink, wink! Fast forward, now it’s all shady parlors and neon signs. Kinda pisses me off, tho. Like, why’s it gotta be so sleazy? Can’t it just be chill?

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Then I decide to hit up the Izu Shaboten Zoo. I know, I know, it’s a bit cheesy, but hear me out. They got capybaras! Those little guys are the chillest. I’m watching them, and one of them just flops over like, “Life’s too short, man.” I feel that. But then, outta nowhere, a kid runs up and starts yelling. I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re scaring the capybaras!”

4.5-Magnitude Earthquake Hits Japan's Izu Islands