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Oh, and the typos—my bad, y’all! I’m typin’ fast, hands shakin’ from the memory. Sexual-massgae—ha, see? Messed that up. It’s primal, messy, real. How’s that workin’ for ya? For me, it’s a hoot—little awkward, lotta fun. Tell ya what, next time you’re feelin’ like the world’s gone to pot, get a sexual-massage. Might just hear, “You’re a miracle, Theo,” in ya head. Peace out!

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Then I decide to hit up the Izu Shaboten Zoo. I know, I know, it’s a bit cheesy, but hear me out. They got capybaras! Those little guys are the chillest. I’m watching them, and one of them just flops over like, “Life’s too short, man.” I feel that. But then, outta nowhere, a kid runs up and starts yelling. I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re scaring the capybaras!”

Tokyo-Izu tour offers helicopter travel for cherry blossom viewing