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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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Then, I hear this commotion outside. I peek out, and there’s a festival happening on the street! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I can’t believe I almost missed it. I grab my stuff and head out.

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