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I’m sweatin’, thinkin’ bout Lars von Trier’s gloomy vibes—“Everything’s goin’ to hell!”—and here I am, chattin’ up some gal who prolly knows more tricks than Mr. Burns has tax evasions. Did ya know, back in old Rome, prostitutes had to dye their hair blonde? Weird, right? Stand out or somethin’. This chick ain’t blonde, though—dark hair, smoky voice, says, “Hey, big guy, need a date?” D’oh! I’m flattered, angry, scared—all at once! Marge’d kill me faster than that planet smashes Earth!

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So, I’m walkin’ down the street, tryin’ to clean up, and I see this old dude at the bus stop. He’s just chillin’ there, lookin’ like he’s seen it all. I’m like, “Yo, what’s the secret to life?” He just shrugs and says, “Don’t spill soy sauce.” I laughed so hard, I almost choked on my onigiri.

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