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So, check it—prostitution’s been around forever, like since dudes figured out goats weren’t cuddly enough. Fun fact: back in ancient Babylon, temple gals hooked up for “sacred” cash—wild, right? Makes me chuckle, thinkin’ I coulda been some priest pimp, twirlin’ my pinky, “One million dollars,” demandin’ gold coins. Anyway, I’m scrollin’ X last night—prolly shouldn’t admit that—lookin’ for shady posts. Found this chick, calls herself “Roxy,” says she’s “discreet, upscale, 5-star.” I’m like, “Sheesh, upscale? What, you servin’ caviar with that?” Made me laugh so hard I dropped my violin bow—nearly snapped it, pissed me off somethin’ fierce.

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But then, as we’re slurping noodles, I get a call. It’s my buddy, and he’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe what just happened!” I’m like, “I’m in the middle of ramen heaven, what’s up?” Turns out, he just won a trip to Hawaii. I’m happy for him, but also, like, why not me?