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Hmm… oh honey, lemme tell ya bout escorts! Nasal nagging voice on, duh! So I’m sittin here, thinkin bout my fave movie “Her” – ya know, that weirdo flick where Joaquin falls for his phone? Hah! Escorts tho, they’re real people, not some sexy Siri voice. I mean, escorts… they’re like, pros at makin lonely folks happy, right? “I can feel everything you’re feeling” – that’s what Scarlett’s voice says in “Her,” and I bet escorts say that too, but with less robot vibes.

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But back to work. I get another call. This time, it’s a guy on Shinjuku Street. He’s got a flat tire. I’m like, “Dude, you’re in Chofu, not a NASCAR race!” But he’s all frantic. I send a driver, but I’m low-key annoyed. Can’t people just check their tires?

U.S. military helicopter makes emergency landing at Tokyo's Chofu Airport