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So, sexual-massage, right, it’s like—hands everywhere, proper cheeky, kneadin’ ya like dough, but sexy dough, ya get me? I heard dis mad story, swear down, back in ancient China, emperors got dese massages from like, 10 girls at once, all oiled up—imagine dat, fam! 10! I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?”—nah, it’s cos I ain’t no emperor, rudeboy! Makes me vexed, tho—why ain’t I gettin’ dat treatment? Capitalist pigs hoggin’ all da good rubdowns, innit.

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First off, I’m settin’ up my station near the famous Cape Zampa. You know, the spot with the killer views and that lighthouse? Yeah, that one. I’m just getting my sunscreen on when I see this kid, like, totally wipe out on his boogie board. I mean, he’s flailing like a fish outta water. I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re not gonna drown!” But then I see his face—pure panic. So, I sprint over, and I’m like, “Yo, I gotcha!” I pull him out, and he’s gasping like he just ran a marathon.

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