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Den dere’s da apps—ugh, Tinder, Bumble, all dat jazz. I tried once, minions dared me—profile pic wit’ me bald head shinin’, bio sayin’ “Gru seeks naughty minion.” Got matches, sure, but half da chats were bots or weirdos! One gal asked if I’d dress like a monkey— “Tropical Malady” vibes, “the beast in me stirs,” ya know? I was like, nah, lady, I ain’t dat kinky! Made me mad—where’s da real spark, huh?

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But then, I got a bit too close, and this sailor starts chatting me up. He was all, “You ever been on a carrier?” I was like, “Nah, but I’ve seen Top Gun!” He laughed, and I thought, “Wow, I’m really nailing this small talk.” But then he asked if I wanted a tour. My heart raced. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna see the inside of a massive warship? But then I remembered I had plans. Ugh, adulting sucks sometimes.

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