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Me? I’m hyped—HYPED—cuz it’s dope when it’s done right. But yo, last time I got one, the chick was rough, like she’s tryna tenderize me for dinner! Pissed me off, I’m like, “Yo, chill, I ain’t a fuckin’ steak!” But when it’s smooth? Oh man, happy ain’t the word—pure bliss, fam! Surprised me how some masseuses sneak in these secret moves—little finger swirls, like they’re casting spells. Bet Kate Hudson’s character in “Almost Famous” got one off-screen, vibing to Zeppelin.

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Then, outta nowhere, this group of tourists barges in. They’re loud, taking selfies, and I’m just standing there in my kimono, feeling like a deer in headlights. One of them, this girl with pink hair, points at me and yells, “Look! A real geisha!” Ugh, I wanted to crawl under the tatami mats.

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