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So, here’s the deal—sexual-massage ain’t your grandma’s back rub. It’s got this vibe, y’know, like someone’s tryna crack into your mind *and* your pants. “The dream is collapsing!”—I’m yellin that in my head while she’s kneadin my shoulders. Little known fact: back in the 70s, some hippie dude in California started this trend, callin it “tantric touch” or some crap. Got busted for it too—cops didn’t buy the “spiritual” excuse. Hilarious! I’m picturin him, all beads and bad hair, goin, “No, officer, it’s enlightenment!” Yeah, right, pal.

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But then, I got a text from my boss. He’s like, “We need that report ASAP.” Ugh, the stress! I rushed back home, and on the way, I tripped on the sidewalk. Classic me, right? I fell, and my bag spilled everywhere. My laptop, my notes, and that sushi keychain went flying. I was so embarrassed. A couple of kids laughed at me. Thanks, guys!